The Public Courtesy Code
Adopted by the Department in a fit of pique. Amended continuously. Enforced by absolutely nobody.
TITLE I — CONDUCT UPON THE SIDEWALK
- § 1.01Sudden Stoppage in a Public WayIT'S CALLED A SIDEWALK.
- § 1.02Obstruction by Stationary AssemblyTHE WHOLE SIDEWALK? REALLY?
- § 1.03Formation WalkingTHIS ISN'T A PARADE.
- § 1.04Navigation by Peripheral VisionEYES UP, CHIEF.
- § 1.05Unsignaled Reversal of DirectionOTHER PEOPLE EXIST.
- § 1.06Negligent Umbrella OperationWATCH THE UMBRELLA.
- § 1.07Leash ObstructionTHE LEASH IS A TRIPWIRE.
- § 1.08Failure to Clear a WalkIT SNOWED. EVERYONE KNOWS.
- § 1.09Stoppage at the Head of a StairNOT AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.
TITLE II — CONDUCT UPON THE TRAIN
- § 2.01Failure to Yield at the DoorsOFF FIRST. THEN ON.
- § 2.02Vestibule EncampmentMOVE IN. IT'S HUGE IN HERE.
- § 2.03Seat Occupancy by BaggageYOUR BAG DIDN'T PAY A FARE.
- § 2.04Unreduced Backpack ProfileTAKE THE BACKPACK OFF.
- § 2.05Audible Media Without HeadphonesNOBODY WANTS TO HEAR IT.
- § 2.06Escalator Lane ViolationSTAND RIGHT. WALK LEFT.
- § 2.07Seat OverexpansionONE SEAT. ONE PERSON.
- § 2.08Pole MonopolizationTHE POLE IS FOR EVERYONE.
TITLE III — VEHICULAR DISCOURTESY
(These citations address the vehicle. The vehicle knows what it did.)
- § 3.01Storage of a Motor Vehicle in a Bicycle FacilityYOU CAN'T PARK THERE.
- § 3.02The Hazard-Light Immunity Doctrine (Rejected)HAZARDS AREN'T A PERMIT.
- § 3.03Occupation of an IntersectionEVERYONE IS LOOKING AT YOU.
- § 3.04Multi-Space OccupancyPICK A SPOT.
- § 3.05Failure to Render the WaveTHE WAVE IS FREE.
- § 3.06Premature Horn DeploymentTHE LIGHT JUST CHANGED.
- § 3.07Deployment of a Space SaverIT'S A CHAIR. NOT A DEED.
- § 3.08Obstruction of a Curb CutTHAT'S A CURB CUT.
TITLE IV — GENERAL PUBLIC CONDUCT
- § 4.01Boarding Before Discharge (Elevator)LET PEOPLE OUT. AGAIN.
- § 4.02Line AmbiguityTHE LINE FORMS BACK THERE.
- § 4.03Point-of-Sale UnpreparednessYOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING.
- § 4.04Doorway ConveningYOU PICKED A DOORWAY.
- § 4.05Failure to Hold a DoorI WAS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
- § 4.06Photographic BlockadeTAKE IT. WE'LL WAIT.
TITLE V — CONDUCT AT THE SHOW
(Venue sections. Written from the booth.)
- § 5.01Filming of an Entire SetYOU'RE NEVER WATCHING THAT.
- § 5.02Conversation During a Support ActSOMEBODY WORKED ON THAT.
- § 5.03Stationary Occupation of a Dance FloorYOU'RE A TRAFFIC ISLAND.
- § 5.04Late Arrival Front PushTHEY'VE BEEN HERE SINCE DOORS.
- § 5.05Repeated Solicitation of the BoothHE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME.
The Department reserves the right to have been wrong.
Repealed
- § 2.09Consumption of Food Aboard a Train
Repealed. The Department, on review, has concluded that it has bigger problems and that some people are eating dinner on the way home from work.
- § 1.10Walking Slowly
Repealed on appeal. Some people are just walking. The Department regrets the original enactment and the tone it was written in.
- § 4.07Excessive Cheerfulness Before Nine A.M.
Repealed. Held to be unenforceable and, on reflection, mean.